Tip # 10 Adjust Your Relationship With Curse Words

[wingedbeast]

Imagine someone told you that your own beliefs were not as you express them, but rather some far more mock-able belief. Then, that someone accuses you of immoral acts based on those beliefs that you actually don't hold. And, finally, expressed that your having equal rights to they constitutes an utter violation of justice.

You might be offended by these statements. In emphasizing your offense, you might use an expletive. And, in response to that expletive, the someone will, themselves, become incredibly offended. You just said "darn"! How horrible! How could anybody say that word? You're horrible and just verified everything that person just said about you!

Okay, maybe you don't use any expletives. Maybe you maintain your calm and don't provide any ammunition for potential offense as you state your case. In this case, the someone responds to your case by thanking you for not using curse words. The someone notices no other characteristic about you.

I've been at both extremes of the spectrum. In both cases, the result of dancing through that particular linguistic minefield leaves me emotionally exhausted, offended, and negatively disposed to their value system.

I find that the focus on curse words or other vulgarities distracts from substance. It's the conversational equivalent of finding yourself the guest in a well appointed home, where everything is kept immaculate, but the children haven't eaten in two days. Everything is kept perfectly clean... and still wrong.

This isn't always an accurate impression, of course. But, it is the impression I get. And, if you take bad words too seriously, that's the impression that you leave.

You're not obligated to use vulgar language or to give no response when someone intentionally offends just for the sake of offending. That is a judgment call you'll have to make for yourself.

But, bad words and other forms of vulgarity are surface level issues, a matter of different people speaking in different ways. If you're going to take offense, take offense at something more important than vulgarity.

Note: Racial slurs, religious slurs, and other expressions of bigotry can still be cause for offense.

Comments

[packbat]

...I did not expect this post to awaken so much feels.

I think the swearing thing you describe is a subset of a broader idea: that anyone who expresses 'negative' emotions - particularly anger - in a conversation automatically loses, because they are 'clearly' irrational. Swearing counts; so does raising one's voice, changing one's tone, gesticulating too wildly, or sometimes just expressing criticism. If any action you take can be interpreted as your being angry, you can be ignored.

This leads directly to the technique you described at the beginning of the post: when they can piss off their opponents without displaying emotion themselves, they win for free. It also works to silence victims and their advocates, because when the horrible happens, only people who don't care will be unmoved. And, of course, there's the positive feedback effect: when you are justly angered, to treat your anger as a bad thing necessarily treats the cause of your anger as unworthy of concern ... and said dismissal is, for the exact same reasons, in and of itself cause for anger.

What makes me so frustrated by this entire cycle is that it need not be conscious. People act this way out of training, not intent. Which, in my case, means that I end up getting this treatment from people I care about - not just assholes. And I don't know what I can do to fix it.

[wingedbeast]

Well, that's part of the purpose of this little series. I'm not trying to change minds. I know people will want to try to convince me. I'm just hoping that giving these tips will lead to a better conversation.