Tip #24 The Bargain
Jul. 5th, 2015 01:34 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
wingedbeastThere's a common sentiment that comes up in these conversations. On the surface, it's a good sentiment an agreement that goes to the heart of communication. But, there's this baggage that it carries. It might not be fair, but there it is.
The sentiment usually goes something like "I will hear what you have to say, if you hear what I have to say."
Who could object to that? The only thing more basic to conversation as a concept is language, itself. This is what everybody should be doing. Of course, we should be doing this!
There's that baggage. That baggage goes something like "I will politely nod scan your drivel for things that fit my preconceptions until it's my turn. Once it is my turn, since I am obviously the one with the truth and you are obviously the one with drivel, you will listen and then believe, or else you weren't actually listening."
No, not everybody who makes this bargain means it quite like that. Some... maybe. More often, the way this baggage attaches isn't through a conscious decision to only patronize people with differing worldviews. Rather, there are preconceptions that are just so pervasive in a person's life that they're practically invisible. Other people's beliefs just naturally get slotted into their preconceptions so fast that they don't even notice.
You may be the ideal case. You may make this bargain not only intending to listen, but actually listening in order to develop a respectful understanding of differing worldviews. You may not only listen, but acknowledge that their listening does not translate to a conversion. If so, thank you.
No, really, thank you. From the bottom of my heart, thank you. I try hard and don't manage very well, so thank you.
That said, the baggage is still there. You may not intend to signal that you condescend. That signal may be inaccurate. The signal is still sent.
More importantly, this bargain really is the basics of conversation. If you're going to have a conversation, and not a speech, this is what's supposed to happen.
Consider if someone were to make the bargain with you that, if you don't physically assault them, they won't physically assault you. Among the other responses that might happen, this would bring up a question? Wasn't that agreement already in place.
This is especially important if your faith holds, as Christianity does in America today, a privileged position. If that's the case, chances are that your faith or worldview isn't the one that's had trouble getting honestly heard.
Instead of stating the agreement, live it. Listen. If you want them to listen to you, listen. If you want them to feel listened to, listen carefully. Listen to understand. And, in keeping with the previous tip, be honest about preconceptions. When it comes time for you to state your position, allow them to honestly comprehend without agreeing.
Don't make the agreement when it should be automatic.
The sentiment usually goes something like "I will hear what you have to say, if you hear what I have to say."
Who could object to that? The only thing more basic to conversation as a concept is language, itself. This is what everybody should be doing. Of course, we should be doing this!
There's that baggage. That baggage goes something like "I will politely nod scan your drivel for things that fit my preconceptions until it's my turn. Once it is my turn, since I am obviously the one with the truth and you are obviously the one with drivel, you will listen and then believe, or else you weren't actually listening."
No, not everybody who makes this bargain means it quite like that. Some... maybe. More often, the way this baggage attaches isn't through a conscious decision to only patronize people with differing worldviews. Rather, there are preconceptions that are just so pervasive in a person's life that they're practically invisible. Other people's beliefs just naturally get slotted into their preconceptions so fast that they don't even notice.
You may be the ideal case. You may make this bargain not only intending to listen, but actually listening in order to develop a respectful understanding of differing worldviews. You may not only listen, but acknowledge that their listening does not translate to a conversion. If so, thank you.
No, really, thank you. From the bottom of my heart, thank you. I try hard and don't manage very well, so thank you.
That said, the baggage is still there. You may not intend to signal that you condescend. That signal may be inaccurate. The signal is still sent.
More importantly, this bargain really is the basics of conversation. If you're going to have a conversation, and not a speech, this is what's supposed to happen.
Consider if someone were to make the bargain with you that, if you don't physically assault them, they won't physically assault you. Among the other responses that might happen, this would bring up a question? Wasn't that agreement already in place.
This is especially important if your faith holds, as Christianity does in America today, a privileged position. If that's the case, chances are that your faith or worldview isn't the one that's had trouble getting honestly heard.
Instead of stating the agreement, live it. Listen. If you want them to listen to you, listen. If you want them to feel listened to, listen carefully. Listen to understand. And, in keeping with the previous tip, be honest about preconceptions. When it comes time for you to state your position, allow them to honestly comprehend without agreeing.
Don't make the agreement when it should be automatic.
no subject
Date: 2016-07-06 05:16 pm (UTC)Like, I get that what they intend to say is "let's both be open-minded, okay?". But what I hear is "my listening is _conditional_". It feels more like a retreat from an open-minded position than an advancement towards it.
-- Amtep
no subject
Date: 2017-03-11 04:28 pm (UTC)At any rate, it seems like a good summary of the sort of thing you're describing here.
no subject
Date: 2017-06-11 02:47 am (UTC)"Down the hall, 3rd door on the left." (As we used to say on Alt.gothic when confused goth wannabes who were obviously looking for alt.vampyres stumbled in...)
I appreciate that you're an (1) atheist, (2) on the Internet, who (3) isn't trying to de-convert me, nor are you (4) telling me I'm a moron for worshiping Zombie Jesus and his Father the Wish-Granting Sky Fairy. (All of which epithets I've heard/been told. For /some reason/, they didn't increase my respect for mad rational thinking-skillz of those particular atheists).
no subject
Date: 2017-06-11 07:29 pm (UTC)Sometimes it's people being offensive just for the sake of provoking a response, but there is the other element.
The number of times we've been told that we A. don't have any morality, B. just want to sin, C. don't have adequate parental figures, D. are going through a phase and will change our minds when we have children, E. suffered some calamity for which we need to forgive God and yada yada yada, F. that we believe nothing caused nothing to explode creating everything, G...
I could go on. But, yeah, you're one part catching "look how I can get away with being disrespectful to the privileged religion in this country" and one part "okay, well fuck you, too," neither of which you deserve.