wingedbeast

Conversation over the phone between the hero and the villain.

Hero: I know you have my child. You know I'll do anything.

Villain: Hehehe. Yes, I do. I have sent you the appointed time and location. You will come there to retrieve your child.

Hero: But... But...

Villain: But, what, dear hero?

Hero: But, I can't possibly make it there in time, not without letting the other villain destroy the entire city.

Villain: Then you leave me no choice, dear hero. I will have to-

Hero gasps

Villain:-make a lunch. Are there any allergies I should avoid?

Hero: You fie... wait, what?

Villain: Growing children need to eat.

Hero: What do you intend to do?

Villain: I was thinking something simple, like a sandwich and we'll come up with another time this afternoon?

Hero: Uh... Let me talk to my child.

Villain: Oh, sure.

A moment of silence.

Child: Hi.

Hero: How are you? How are they treating you?

Child: I'm okay, I guess. They're making me do math. They make me do it over and over.

Villain: We found his homework and I must say, I don't think his teachers are explaining common core math, very well. But, on the third try I think he's getting it.

Hero: What do you want out of this?

Villain: I want to get this kid back home, really. I mean, we were in this fight and the building was coming down and I wasn't about to let some kid just die.

Child: I was scared.

Villain: I don't blame you, it was a scary situation.

Hero: Just tell me, what do you want?

Villain: I'd really like to get this kid back home before tonight. I mean, I'm not running a boarding house, here... Oh, and I do have TV, do you allow anything other than PBS? I just want to be sure.

Hero: No... ransom? No... brainwashing plot?

Villain: Really? Because that works so well for other people?

Hero: Listen, I do want my child back. If I'm alive, I'll be ready by, say, 5PM. But... I have an idea?

Cut to the sign reading "Villainy Day Care: Call or Email to arrange abduction and release."